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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in buttsaregross' LiveJournal:

Saturday, May 17th, 2008
3:52 am
"I'm not the boy that I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be"
The idea of love is heavy on me.
All over my breast, heart, and chest, it is within reach.
I can taste it, but cannot even begin to sense it in reality.
Am I hallucinating?
Seeing and smelling falsities that mean nothing more than for me to fail
And now I'm floating
floating high above this tragic failing romance
that I know nothing of.
I'm looking down at myself at this very desk and I notice that something is amiss.
The first I notice is the thoughtlessness with which I write these words.
From my subconscious directly to the pixels on the screen
Black and blinking cursor and words
are strangely the easiest to make sense of
The words that I spill onto paper by pen
Oft are babblings of one trying to fill up a page or not waste the next.
Waste of ink and paper, you see
These trees died so that I could fail with them.
Fail on them
Would they turn in their graves had they been given any?
Yes, i agree yes.

I think that I'm in the stage of pre-love and pre-torment.
I don't know of who, but I feel a change of season.
My mind has cleared and allowed room for dealing with the motions.
Never has that been so simple and clean

I'm scared, truth be told.
This love on my heart is really an impending form of doom
I know what toils come with love. I know the tolls it takes.
Sleepless lonely nights
Small words and instances and smells that remind me of the past.
Random things that cause me small griefs in midst of a perfect day
To know love and know you must forget it is a great and horrible force
There is no one way to know how it will affect life as you know it.
And I say nothing to not one person
For that would be admitting that I do NOT have control which is simply not true.
It is my burden and it no longer frightens me,
merely it discomforts me inconveniently.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
1:16 am
The Shepard-man
My heart is heavy with delirium.
This false sense of security by my standards of breathing
Can my lungs possibly hold this air for long?
And knowing the answer, how long?
I know this not, but I know it be
that my lungs scream note after note of false life.
Lies! All LIES!
Lies?
Are they really?
I didn't write the rules to this game...

Over and over again I play the fool
And follow the shepard.
With the other sheep being manipulated by this man that we're supposed to trust.
And where does he lead us?
Does that matter?
All that matters is that he is leading us and that he knows what's best, so fret not.
BUT
Just in case you were wondering,
Shepard-man is leading us to the edge of a very deep, very high cliff...
But I'm sure he know's what he's doing.

Hallelujah! Praise God, Son, and diety of man!
As I sing shepard's praises in blind contentment,
I notice a change in his usual lyrics.
From "God curse the faggot" to "God save his soul"
And back again without missing a beat.
"NO" I say to myself.
An anomaly
And nothing other.

Closer closer CLOSER.
"Mayhaps, we aught to turn soon" methinks.
Now is not the time to doubt!
He knows WHAT HE'S DOING.
How blind am I, you ask?
Now is not the time to talk about my strength of vision,
perhaps you mean to ask our shepard, who seems not to know where he's going...
Ah, I understand now!
I see the green long grass at the very edge!
He means to feed us!
But there's only one small patch...
That can't be it...
Maybe he's just testing my trust!
Every good shepard has to have good sheep!

My hoof stands firmly on the edge
Still he presses on.
I wonder "what kind of devices does he have to catch us on the bottom of that cliff?"
Well, here it goes!

On the way down, I decided upon the reasoning of my insightful shepard-man:
He decided that he'd lead us to a fairly painless death to shepard us in heaven.
He wants to shepard us for an eternity!
Now THATS a caring shepard-man!

As I hit the bottom, I see him smiling down at me from the edge of the cliff
He'll jump next, i kno--
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
10:11 pm
hope
"There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest is love."
-1 Corinthians 13:13
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
9:15 pm
Limbo
What the fuck do I know?
I know that I am tall and my face is white.
I know that the feeling of regret I used to obsess over
Is more like a question than anything
Is it wrong?
Is it right?
And who am I to judge?
I am ME.
Does God look down on me and mark off points for a bad performance?
Performance seems more at home in me
I'm dancing for the judges around me
My individuality is gone and I don't know where the individual went
Where went his chisled morals
And God-fearing philosophies?
"The individual that wasn't"
Was his name
And subliminally, he did as he was told
"Do NOT question"
"You may think and do as you wish...
As long as what you think and what you do
Are within my parameters"
But I do not concur doctor,
I do not concur.
Whose to say what truth is?
THAT is what I really need to know
THAT is why I must escape these reigns
Of life
Of mind
Of myself
I can feel the inner demon, spirit, or animal
Pounding inside of my chest
"Allow me to escape, mortal
And I can grant your wish.
Desire my presence
And desire my freedom."
Of course you are free
You are free as you think
But all that you think in the current
Are dead-ends and disappointments

The word of man are many
And the word of God are none
But has God mingled with the many of man?
And touched their thougts
All their thoughts
Or few their thoughts
Are we the great experiment
Or is He the great experiment?
Bias
Fucking bias
Fucking fucked-up bias
What the fuck are your agenda?
And what the fuck is mine?
Whyfore are the double-negatives?
Knew they how to write?
Like the politician on the spot,
They backstabbed their own principles
And being kings, no wrong could spew forth from their mouths
In the mind of their followers.
Its mind control you fucking freak!
And I'm no fucking peasant!
Why should i believe the bullshit my king says
When he spake the just opposite with the same breathe?
Or rather I be dumb?
And I be looking deeply
Into the shallow end of a pool
Diving headfirst, as if to discover something
Other than a facefull of concrete
Damaging thyself
The way overthinking does
I'm in too deep
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
12:19 am
kasdhaoiefajdfadkuaiueadnjacmjdakljdajyehjdhjajdfajdjk
I disgust myself sometimes. I'm so pathetic so often and its really getting to me. i wish i was a hawk. soaring above all my abnormalities and weakness with the ability to dive down and nourish my own small body by feeding off of that despised, wretched humanity. If only I could stop. drop it all. be born from this life to another as an entirely different human being with an entirely different experience. i look back and think 'ignorance is far from bliss,' but do I really understand what i speak? If I swam in that cool blue ignorance, drown in it, live off it for a few brief hours, how would i fair then? I would probably like it, nay, love it. I would be stupid and foolish and every right to be so. Perhaps I will get amnesia as a birthday present, and wake up someone who did not possess the gene to care. I would be free. free from God, pathetic romance, and free to fuck up my life as i please. and, believe me, I would do everything in my carefree existence to fuck it up. I would be a god of snorters, a gunslinger of shooters, a mighty dragon of puffers, perfectly in peace among drunkards. I would lack that want of truth. I would lack even the care. to not care. that, my friend, would be a blessing in disguise. They are living their life with no worries of hell, or whatever the fuck lies after this life, they are only in pursuit of their own happiness. that may sound harsh, but is it really that horrible?

but I can't and i won't and that's the sad, pathetic truth.

goodbye
Monday, October 2nd, 2006
12:50 am
Illusions and granduer
This is a thought about the past
A happiness kind of thought
The good times and the bad
In sickness and in health
That's what my head is telling me
I remember last spring, a good thing
The best time of the year
Was that last spring
In gym class, I was expecting a flop
I expected to be bored and depressed and ridiculously dressed
A normal how-you-expect-it gym class
Like every other year
But this was different
I didn't hate myself day by day
My friends made it my favorite
I re-met the best
And knew all the rest
As we clicked
And we cliqued
Together we stood
There was never a dull moment
But in the changing of times,
one left behind
Her fake happiness and goofy smile
Made me remember how happy this world was for a while
She's gone from our sight
Gone from my head until now
Where has she been?
We'll catch up or hang out
Over coffee and gym class
And what of last summer, lovely mother?
The summer that I adored at the time
Then tried to erase for my sanity's sake
You were so beautiful
So monotonously unchanged
So mine...
And we had some good times
With Mike and the gang
But sometimes I wondered
I always wondered
About life, about love, about lies
That beautiful time
Seems so far from my mind
Like a when you're trying to figure out the name of 'that one movie'
I knew that time so well
Like the back of my hand
Because I remember wanting it to last forever
Forever and ever
But did I really try that hard to forget
Was my pain so great that I rejected part of my existence here?
And now, I try to recall what happened, and it seems so emotionless
But I remember it being the climax of my life's emotion 'thus far'
And now, now and then seem so close to each other
Like there was no year in-between
It's like I was waiting for you the entire time
And so reality was the furthest thing from my mind
And I had no hope, so I pushed you away
The thought of you, the sight of you, the talk of you
And then I went weak and opened up that hopeless relationship
In hopes that maybe fairytales were real
And magic did happen
And that the wheel of ka kept on turning
And that prayers were answered
But what of all that?
Where did all that emotion go or come from?
I guess ever since that night I've just been in a continuous state of shock
And now I'm waking up.
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
1:25 am
"She was like wine turned to water and turned back to wine" -mewithoutyou
A beautiful red apple
A fresh start to a mediocre life
I've written on this before
Let's change the subject shall we?
I was in awe
at the face of lovely
My precious beauty
My darling shame
My downfall
As I tripped on the first step,
I knew that this would not end well
I'm ever so clumsy
I could see the top stair coming closer and closer
As if it were a target and I was the unfortunate bullet
Speeding through the emptyness
In hopes I will please my master
Who will be thrilled that they can enforce lethal injection
From fifty feet away
To hold a life in their hands is why they joined the academy
My jaw was broken beyond repair
I would have a slack jaw for the rest of my life
Like that lady in St. Loius
The blood was already spewing from fresh fatalities
Volcanoes on my person
They exploded when least expected nor convenient
I proceeded to paint the stairs red
They needed a new finish anyway
The monotonous tan that the owners picked out was so revolting
I'm ever so clumsy
This flight of stairs never ended for me
Because time was like a metronome
Adjustable to whatever time table suited me
Although none did,
it was nince to know that I had some control over the matter
And in the midst of my now eminant death,
I could think of but one think alone
And she was at the top of the stairs
lovely
An idea that we would be together was my main concern
I never really feared death
It to me was a fact of life
A reality that we happen to fell the emotion remorse over
A reality that ironically kills us inside
Many deaths happen when one dies
I wish I wasn't so clumsy
What will lovely think of me
I died an oaf with a secret to be told
A secret that would change my existance
My future that was not in my own hands
But in yours
your lovely hands
I hope she reads the note
That was written on my heart
For lovely is the only one that can
Say goodbye to my friends and family and those that will pretend to care
I wish I wasn't so clumsy
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
3:07 am
The meloncholia epidemic
What am I?
A pile of decomposing flesh
Which goal in life is to make life hell
I broke my heart today
Broke my trust, broke her spirit
I hurt two of the most important women in my life in two consecutive weeks
I am pathetic
I am the monster
How can I degrade myself to a betrayer and user?
As I look alive but dead inside
I start to wonder
About stars in the heavens
And fish in the sea
And the importance of being earnest
Seriously honest
If I must live in my own self-loathing secret,
Then why can't you, love?
The universe is so colossal and magnificent
So grand and mysteriously beautiful
Dark and disturbing
Brightly unnerving
Insignificantly astonishing
And what am I?
I am the gum stuck under it's shoe
Not even important enough to be bothered with
And what of that extraterrestrial clones of me
In an entirely different universe or dimension
Does he create his own hell
If that what his race calls it
Do THEY create such hell in heart
As a melancholy should
Fuck your problems, drama queen. Save it for someone who cares. Save it for the one that you may never meet-or that you have loved and lost-or whatever that hollywood shit says about what love should be. What do they know of me. all they know is that their fame meter is not as high as it should and the only way to fix that is to make fools of themselves. Fucking fools. Desperate cries for help that should have been out of their system at the age of 16-or whatever the hell society says is the age you become mature. If you loved me would it even fix a thing. you've dug yourself your own hole, drama queen. You dug the fucking hole and jumped right in, as if you were waiting for your death, making it so much easier to leave this beautiful existence, and to ascend to a new realm called heaven. But what is heaven but another dimension. Where a version of myself is making his heart hell. Fool. And what of hell? Does it even exist? Or have we discovered hell on our own with the meloncholy fucking disease. How can hell exist when God loves every one of his creations? Take me away, beautiful. To enlightenment, out of hell. Is hell hell when there are two to fight it? Love conquers all they say. The question is: Is that a good or a bad thing?
Sunday, July 30th, 2006
3:56 pm
Something Wild
Charlie Driggs: What are you doing?
Audrey 'Lulu' Hankel: I'm setting you free.
Charlie Driggs: Maybe I don't want to be free.
Audrey 'Lulu' Hankel: Maybe you're not.

The movie Something Wild is awesome. You should watch it. I love.
2:35 am
Circles. Paradox. Repeat.
Circles. Paradox. Repeat.
These words haunt me.
Circles i make in this desalute forest.
I see now the same mark i made five minutes ago.
Am I lost?
no. not possible. can't be lost.
Don't panic
the wildlife is so friendly and inviting
i wonder why we dont just live in the wild like animals
are we not just animals with the talent to create thought and speak?
I wish sometimes my damned mind was not so heavily endowed
so sentient
simplicity would make for a happy life
or so i would think
or not think
paradox puts me into insanity

i think i temporarily lost the ability to think clearly
fuck
this isnt over
1:41 am
the time is1:35 am
I made up an imaginary friend named art.
He gets really pissed off if the time is incorrect
It messes with his mind
It throws off his aim
Art is exactly not what his name suggests
He is the definition of boredom
Nothing out of the ordinary happens
When nothing he continues to do
It's a sad pathetic life
Though it is imaginary after all...
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
11:51 pm
i am the death dealer
I am the death dealer
I bring death to lovers' hearts
Breaking them
Taking them
Making them cringe
Fearful of a pathetic life
A life where love betrayed
Made a mess out of meaning
Meaning? What meaning?
Made mess out of meaningless
But how make a mess of a mess?
"chaos is innapropriate amongst chaos, but hilarious amongst order" -Steve Martin
And what's wrong with Chaos?
He cannot be held down or put to rest
He floats high among us
And oft he will run us
Oh, who am I?
How pathetic and perverse
And to create chaos for mine own amuse
My own:
Boredom
Heart
Broken
Mind
Soul
Heart
I am the death dealer
I am the heartbreaker
Once love betrayed me,
And I betray it in return
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
9:07 pm
you never stop learning
I've learned a lot from youth group. I am an idiot. God chose us to walk his path, when we were idiots. If the world sees you as stupid or an idiot, then you really have succeeded. Nothing I say is going to change the stance of a far left wing liberal. They'll just continue to call me stupid for my beliefs.

And they want to be my friends...

I don't know if I can have friends that so openly insult the most important thing in my life. If someone hates my best friend and insults him, i could not stand being good friends with that person. A "hi" here and there. a friendly conversation. Maybe they could be lead to Christ. Maybe... All i can do is pray. "God, please take it from here."

If they were really my friends, my beliefs wouldn't be "foolish" to them.
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
11:43 pm
around the corner is a rotten destiny
Why are you crying, little girl?
-This song is very sad.
Why is it sad?
-It has meaning in my heart.
Here's a friendly shoulder
I'm sorry that I'm the only one here to comfort you
I'm not much, I know
You wish that someon else turned that corner
Into that lonely hall
And you got the destiny with no killing
No bloodshed
Not even a tear
why does everything bring back stupid memories?
Why does it all hurt?
Why does every little thing have meaning in my heart?
Saturday, as usual
"My hand thinks I'm an artist, but my heart knows I'm a poet"
You angry poetry
filled with confusion
You can't even process you own thoughts
You are an artist
But not of speaking
More of words.
So write me a speech that you cannot say
It's courage that you lack
Paint me a lullaby, hypocrite
sing me a well thought song
Hell, I wish I never turned that corner.
Monday, October 10th, 2005
2:08 pm
My Day Off
Today, i have a fever and feel like poo. But, then again it is nice to get away from school for a day and take care of myself. It's been a pretty sweet day.
1. Slept in to 8:30
2. Called Hollywood Video because i dropped off Family Video's copy of Sin City there
3. Watched Linkin Park:Live in Texas DVD wrapped in warm blankets
4. Got up, took a shower, washed my clothes
5. Finally cleaned my room
6. Went downstairs and had chicken noodle soup and milk
7. Layed on the couch and watched my old Power Rangers movie
8. Ran errands, had some "me" time
9. I am at the library
The Power Rangers movie brought back some old memories of my simple life. If i had that life now, things would be so easy. No band, no job, no car, no long homework, just me at home hanging out with my family. It was such peace compared to the chaos of my life. I miss the past.
Friday, October 7th, 2005
1:02 am
Hate to Love
Love is real
If you know how to manage
It's not always lust
If you know how to manage
Falling in love could be like falling in a hole
The hole is so deep that you can't get out of it
Everytime you try to climb
You become weak again halfway there
And fall back in love
It's dangerous territory
But not undiscovered
It's been treaded on, stomped on
Pranced through, walked on so softly
It's not a new thing
New to you maybe,
But you're nothing special
I wish that it wasn't so real
So positively perfect in your mind,
That it doesn't even make sense
It's not even fair that such a thing could occur
So early in your career as a human
Any more tearing of my heart
And it won't function anymore
Or ever be able to function
How can you ever trust again
When love itself has betrayed you?
"I'm not okay"

Current Mood: moods can suckit
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
12:38 am
"infinate" -The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I don't know what's going to happen with me. Sleep has become the only thing precious to me. I can't do anything right. I wish I had time. Just an hour of just me. No internet. No distractions. No love. No relationships. No anything. That, i believe would be the most peaceful hour in my life. I'm such a hypocrite. Here I complain about not having any time at 12:42, on the stoopid internet. aklsjgdlkhlksdgkla;einflkds
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
2:00 am
my first entry
i dont know anyone here. the kids all laugh at me. i think that little susan in the corner was giving me a look. then, i met a friend named robert. maybe things will work out after all. *the previous was grade "A" BS.

Brad
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